“I will not leave you or forsake you”. Joshua 1:5b (ESV)
The feelings are too deep. The pain is too horrific. How do I put what I am feeling into words so that others can understand?
Sometimes there really are no words.
I can remember early in my journey when my pastors and a few close friends gently tried to give me an opportunity to talk about what I was feeling. Just the thought of trying to connect to that abyss in my heart was more than I could bear.
Later, I tried to go to counseling, but I was so terrified of sharing my feelings that I created a task list of all I was doing and dominated the entire conversation with everything but my feelings. I went one time and never went back.
But God had it all covered. About a year before my husband was killed, my best friend’s husband was diagnosed with cancer. As they progressed in their journey, I became overwhelmed with grieving for them. Eventually, I asked another friend to support me by meeting once a week so I could process some of my feelings. Only God knew how critical it was going to be for me to have her support when my husband was killed unexpectedly.
There were times when I would just sit with my friend and I couldn’t say a word, tears just streamed down my face for hours. There were times when I called her late at night because I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through the next few hours, let alone over night. There were many days I talked non-stop, but didn’t say anything about what was going on in my heart.
Even now, three and a half years later, I find it hard to talk about my husband. He was the love of my life. We shared twenty-one years together. At the time he died, I had just turned fifty. We had been together almost half my life. I find it extremely hard to put into words what a tremendous part of my life he was. We had a very special love story. It was love at first sight, on his part. It took me five years to trust him with all of my heart; it had been broken before. He is the only person I have ever trusted with all of me. He knew everything about me. He loved me anyway.
I imagine we all share times of having no words. Fortunately, we have a God who needs no words. He loves us and cares for us beyond our comprehension. He sent His Son to die for us. In Joshua 1:5b, He tells us “I will not leave you or forsake you.” Even in the midst of pain where there are no words, HE is a gift beyond words.