“Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you.”
I’ve spent much time this year reflecting. Reflecting on life, friendship, love, and God’s will.
I’ve gained and lost, learned and grown in many ways over the last few years on this widowhood journey.
Please, walk with me!
Through new loss, I’ve been reminded life is so fragile and I can be here one minute and gone the next. I don’t take any day for granted, even if most days I’m just doing the mundane “mom” stuff. I try to have fun and find joy in the moments. I’ve changed; I won’t ever be the same. My kids see a worn out and weary mom more often than they should but, I don’t want my life to be riddled with grief and pain. I have learned life is a precious gift; and I only have one shot at it. I am not promised tomorrow. I am not promised life without suffering or pain. So, I must choose to live for today!
This has been my toughest lesson lately. I’ve lost friendships. I’ve learned friends can be fickle and many will come in and out of my life. Some friendships are really just a season. I guess I thought most of my adult friends would just always be, even in widowhood. But, I’ve learned in some instances that’s not the case. Yet, I’m learning to be a better friend, a deeper friend. And to cherish the friendships I do have, not to squander them or treat them carelessly as I certainly did in the past. I’ve learned friendships are fragile and precious. They are a blessing I don’t ever want to take for granted, again. I’m learning to be the kind of friend I want others to be to me.
The bible says lots of good stuff about love for another. Yet, I’ve learned love can be lost. This year I thought I was in love again. It was exciting and full of many things the bible says about it. But, in the end, it was lost and not to be. Through this season I’ve learned and seen that God’s love for me now is even more abundant. His love is vast and freeing. His love is enough. He’s loved me, so I can love others. I’ve learned that even though love endures, it morphs and changes. Earthly love isn’t always romantic and Disney like. Most of the time it is messy and hard, and in the end, it might not be enough.
I’ve searched high and low for this. I’ve asked. I’ve begged. I’ve prayed. Yet, His will seemed to elude me. This year, I finally realized God’s will isn’t some game He plays. He doesn’t hide it away expecting me to run around for years trying to find it. It’s here. It’s now. It’s who I am and what I’m doing today, because if He didn’t want me here, He would move me. He would reveal where He wanted me and what He wanted me doing differently. I know His will by knowing His word, being in prayer, and following His leadings. It’s not a game or riddle to be solved. It’s a Sovereign plan unfolding each day, as I get up and seek to honor and glorify Him right where He has me now.
In the end, I realize I just need to walk this, and have a few willing to walk with me-trusting God with every step. Knowing He’s walking ahead of me, coming behind me, and right beside me walking this with me.
Thank you Lord for Your care over me. It’s humbling to know I’m so loved that You are here for me and You even give me others willing to walk this with me. I’m unworthy Lord, in my own right, but I thank You because of Your grace You’ve made me worthy. I pray God, for each sister reading this, that You would grow them and reach them on this journey. Reveal Yourself to them and provide for them in ways they can’t fathom. In Your Matchless Name, Amen.
Erika Graham is Director of Operations, and an author and speaker for aNew Season/A Widow’s Might Ministries. She resides in New Jersey with her daughter, twin boys, and her little fluffy puppy. She loves summers at the beach and all things chocolate. She lost her husband to suicide in June 2010. Erika has been called to share the victory she’s experiencing through Christ Jesus over the life God has ordained for her.
If you are interested in having her speak, please contact her via email at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
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