Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths.
“Get over it!”
Yep that’s me in one of my finer parenting moments.
My son was upset about something that in the moment mattered to him, but to me it was not important. So out came those lovely words. My son needed love and empathy, but all I gave him were harsh words with no thought for how much they might hurt him.
As a widow of over six years, I’m sure there are those who think I should “get over it” too. Because they see me in a ministry for widows, or hear me boldly claim that I will always love and miss Scott, or that he’s still a big part of who we are, they may believe I’m stuck or living in an unhealthy way.
I’ve never directly been told to get over it. But, I’ve been sent veiled messages and received comments that certainly intended to say those words. Things like “if you just try harder to meet someone”, or “it’s uncomfortable and hard to see you and the kids or have you say his name so much.” Then there’s my favorite, “He’s in such a better place and that must make you happy now.”
Empathy isn’t easy! It’s hard to go into those deep uncomfortable places with someone. I too, have stood in judgement and sent veiled messages to others I thought were in a place they shouldn’t be.
Even as a widow, I sometimes judge other widows.
In my first few years, I looked at those years ahead of me and thought, “I won’t be like them at that stage.” Because I had put God in a box and predetermined how I thought this journey should go. I thought grief and loss was a skin I would shed, or a place I would move away from. I thought that at some point God would just “magically” make it all go away.
The truth is, grief and loss go with us. They become a part of who we are until we move onto heaven.
And each of us have a unique journey. A big part of who we were now resides in heaven. I may not be in love with my husband or married to him anymore. But I’ll always love him. He’ll always be a part of who I am. My relationship with him and our marriage together has certainly molded who I am now. My kids are his legacy. And they want to know him, remember him, and take him with them as they grow up.
So no, I won’t ever get over this. I won’t be driven by what others think. I’ll walk my journey. I’ll keep my eyes on Christ. But, I’ll remember Scott, and honor him and my Savior every single day. I’ll heal. I will change and grow. I will trust God. But, Scott will always be with us even as we choose to live life to the fullest.
Erika Graham is Vice President, and an author and speaker for aNew Season/A Widow’s Might Ministries. She resides in New Jersey with her daughter, twin boys, and her little fluffy puppy. She loves summers at the beach and all things chocolate. She lost her husband to suicide in June 2010. Erika has been called to share the victory she’s experiencing through Christ Jesus over the life God has ordained for her.
If you are interested in having Erika or any of our writing team speak, please contact us via email at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
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