Be my strong refuge, To which I may resort continually; You have given the commandment to save me, For You are my rock and my fortress.
The day I stood in the funeral home over my husband’s beautiful, perfect, but still body was the darkest day of my life.
I just stood there shocked that he was gone in a mere instant. Shocked that I’d never hear his voice, feel his touch, see his eyes, never feel his warm embrace or hear his infectious laugh again. As the fierce emotions washed over me, horrified and feeling my heart and my body tear apart, a word kept rising up from the deep dark within me. CHRIST!
I was experiencing the harshest pain. I had so many questions swirling. I was crying from unknown places. I was forced to make unfathomable decisions that a thirty five year old shouldn’t be making.
Yet, I just kept hearing a whisper resonate deep in my soul. CHRIST!
As the days marched on, that whisper turned to a soft low voice.
From the very same spot I was married, I stood talking about my husband to the vast many who were in attendance at his funeral; I remember hearing it a little louder still. CHRIST!
As I shared what an amazing man my husband was, so much more than that one horrific moment, I suddenly knew for sure I needed to claim Christ. Loud and clear. Or satan would certainly claim me in this.
As I moved beyond the first days, even deeper pain, confusion, and intense suffering caused me to go to places in my faith I had never gone before. I grasped rather quickly that this was going to intensely and drastically shake up my walk, and open me up to depths I had never experienced.
As the days, months, and years unfolded I experienced God lead me to find
full victory in Christ
over this horrific thing. It wasn’t easy! There were many days this was so ugly, so vast, the pain so pressing, I wasn’t sure I would make it. I wasn’t sure I could endure and walk this. I wasn’t sure I truly believed God was in this. But, I kept walking forward, claiming Christ even when it was through bitter clenched teeth, or guttural screams. Claiming His name even when I only mouthed the words and felt so little in my heart.
Because I knew that claiming Christ, invoking His name, would protect me from the onslaught of enemy attacks.
Proclaiming the magnificent name of THE GREAT I AM, would heal me and move to solid ground. A place where not only would I profess Christ with my mouth, but I’d know Him again, far deeper and more profoundly in my heart.
And YES, He worked!
I stand in full victory in Christ over the suicidal death of my husband.
Trusting God has the most amazing imperfectly perfect plan for us has not been easy, but it’s been so very worth it.
I’m experiencing the wonderful privilege of seeing His name being glorified through this ugly stuff. I stand in humble awe of the depths of His love and care over me and my kids. I’ve learned my only need is in Christ, and I’ve grown to love and trust Him from the same depths of my soul that once barely whispered His name.
Sisters, claim full victory in Christ over your tough stuff or the enemy will claim full victory over you instead!
“But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 1 Corinthians 15:57
Father, I thank you for the victory You’ve given me through Your Son. I thank You that I just needed to trust You and cling to You. I thank You that You never left me or turned Your back on me even when I wasn’t sure, and was in such deep pain that I couldn’t seek You. Lord, I pray for each woman reading this. I pray You move them and reveal Yourself to them. I pray when it’s their time, You bring them full victory in You over their unique story. In Your matchless name, Amen.
Erika Graham is Director of Operations, and an author and speaker for aNew Season/A Widow’s Might Ministries. She resides in New Jersey with her daughter, twin boys, and her little fluffy puppy. She loves summers at the beach and all things chocolate. She lost her husband to suicide in June 2010. Erika has been called to share the victory she’s experiencing through Christ Jesus over the life God has ordained for her.
If you are interested in having her speak, please contact her via email at: firstname.lastname@example.org.
Other articles by this author: www.anewseason.net/author/erikag