Please join us today as we welcome guest blogger Julia Wasson.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
I entered my boss’s office at the elementary school, no longer wanting to be the music teacher. I quit! The principal listened as I explained the changes that have taken place in the past twenty-five months. Becoming a widow has altered my life and thought processes, even my trust in God at the beginning. My ability to happily manage seven music classes a day has been challenged.
A new season. I was thrown into a new season twenty-five months ago.
In those first twelve months after his passing, I was surprised at the physical toll his death took on my fifty-six year old body. My body felt beaten. Every move, every action, took double the thought and focus. The blow of his sudden death shook me to my core while knocking the wind out of me.
Within three months of his passing I didn’t see how I could return to teaching music. That “creative flow,” that we musicians count on, had dried up inside of me. I was functioning in rote. As a professional singer and musician, my husband had been my greatest fan for over thirty-eight years. Whenever I sang a special in church, or lead worship on Sunday mornings…he was there. Not having him present at the school children’s concerts felt like a knife was inserted in my heart. He had always sat on the front row, loving the experience of watching children perform. He was there to catch my eye between songs and give me a big hug after a concert. There. Simply there.
Since his passing I have taught music for two additional years. Teaching those music classes has somehow helped me stay connected with him…keeping one more memory alive…of us.
But sometimes a person must say goodbye. As of yesterday, I’ve added yet one more goodbye. Necessary goodbyes because of unrequested life circumstances.
I’m blessed that I don’t have to say goodbye to the ranch and the home he and I had built together. But I have had to say goodbye to the expectations, those projects that he and I did together on our fifty acres, for I am just now facing my limitations. Recognizing what is reasonable for me to physically accomplish by myself and what is not.
I’m blessed I’ll still have a job in the school district. My new placement is still unknown. My income will drop some. But I am caring for myself. Now that I no longer live in the daily tumultuous storm of grief it is time to rejuvenate my physical body while focusing on my spiritual growth. It’s time to focus more attention on my four children and six grandchildren.
I’m no longer frozen in grief and can once again sing words of hope, trust and faith.
Through the pieces of my life without my husband, through the goodbyes I may continue to face, and throughout the new season I am starting to walk in…..God, I know I can trust You.