For my husband is not at home; He has gone on a long journey.
While reading a passage from Proverbs, regarding harlots, this verse stood out to me. I know, the story surrounding it has nothing to do with widowhood, and probably should not have caught my attention, but the truth of these words for my life, rang out loudly.
My husband is NOT home. He is on a long journey; an eternal journey. I cannot hug him, I cannot kiss him. I cannot laugh with him or live this life with him. He is not home anymore.
This week has been difficult for me; I put our home on the market. At first, after Daryl died, I clung to this house. It was our house, and I desperately needed to be here, around us, around our memories. It somehow kept him closer to me. We waited so long to buy this house and we LOVED it here. It was God’s perfect place for us. Now, it feels less like home every time I come through the doors.
There are days when I dread coming home to a big empty house. I travel a lot, and I hate it most when I land at my home airport and no one really cares that I’m back. No one is waiting by the phone to make sure I’ve landed on time, so they can pick me up at the airport or have dinner ready for me when I pull into the driveway. I come home to nothing but emptiness. I try to fill it with new joy and new memories but it doesn’t always work, because there are so many old ones, priceless memories, that are more precious than any of the new ones.
So, it’s time. It’s time to have a new home and new memories. As long as I keep replaying the chapters of my old life, I hold myself back from a new one. It doesn’t mean I love Daryl any less or want to forget him in any way. I adore him-forever. It’s just that for me, the time has come to move forward to fresh blank pages of a new chapter.
I admit that putting my house on the market was much more emotionally difficult than I anticipated. I am sure that moving day will be heartbreaking, when I walk out for the final time. It is closing a chapter of the most treasured story of my life. But, my husband is on an eternal journey now and I have to figure out how to live without him. He is HOME. I do not want him back here, he is no doubt blissful, but there are many days when I long to be with Him in the presence of God, soaking in all that Heaven has for those who believe. I’m reminded that I’m not supposed to be too comfortable here, this world is not my home; Hebrews 13:14 says, “For this world is not our home; we are looking forward to our city in heaven, which is yet to come.”
Someday, I will join my love in the glory of Heaven but until then, I must press on and move as God directs. It’s a new chapter with a new tale to be told. God’s story through me is not yet completed.
Please help us as we make this journey. It’s not easy, Father, and there are times when we long for a real home again. I pray you give each of my sisters the strength to press on and find your joy in it. We love you Lord, and praise You, even in the storm. Amen.