I cried out to God for help. Psalm 77:1 (NIV)
An Entry from my journal one very dark, lonely night two years ago:
Crying in the night, silently screaming “why?”.
Where are You in the midst of this pain I have?
My soul is desolate.
My heart is crushed.
I cannot understand why this has come upon me.
All through the sleepless nights I moan as I remember when there was joy here.
Will this forever be my lot now?
Will I forever be in sorrow with no laughter for my grieving heart?
Have You, Oh God, left me here in this dark, lonely, barren place and forgotten me?
What is it that my heart needs?
It is You – only You.
You who have gone before me into the days ahead.
You who have sat with me through all the dark nights.
It is You who gently whispers to my wounded heart “I am here, I know, I understand”.
You have always been faithful to rescue Your people.
You have always provided refreshing and renewing.
Even in the times of the great darkness, You have walked alongside giving light and guidance.
It is You who makes a way where no way seems to be.
It is You who will part the sea of my grief and give cause for dancing again.
It is You – only You.
My hope is in You alone.
My dear sisters, I wanted to share this with you today in order to give you a glimpse of where my heart was two years ago. I still hurt so very much, and the nights were so very long. Since my husband passed, I no longer had my “sounding board” – you know what I mean – that one person I could “unload” on, who would listen and love me through it.
I found myself turning to my journal every day, sometimes several times a day, and pouring out my heart to God – because I found HE did listen – to every word I wrote.
Two years later I can say He is faithful. He has parted the sea of grief. He has sat with me through the long, lonely nights. He has given refreshing and renewal. He is making a way for me to begin rebuilding. He took my wounded, hurting heart in His loving hands and held it tenderly. Yes, there are still tears at times. Yes, there is still loneliness. Yes, there is still “the missing”.
And yes, now there are pleasant memories coming; there are more nights when I sleep peacefully; there are times when I find joy on arising in the morning; and there is peace.
I placed my hope in Him – He did not disappoint.
Dear Father: This is a long walk – this path of grief. Sometimes we do get so very weary in it all. Help us to place our hope in You – for it is in doing so that we will find the healing we need.