“The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exalt over you with loud singing.” Zephaniah 3:17 (ESV)
I got to hear my babies’ heartbeats today!
And it brought me back…Back to eight years ago when they were tucked safely in my belly, that whirring sound during my many ultrasounds, telling me they were strong and healthy, that everything was right in the world.
Today was the day! I got to see and hear those beating hearts on the monitor just as I did so long ago. It hit hard, listening to that beautiful sound again.
Memories flooded my mind as I watched each of them climb up on the table…as I watched and listened to their strong hearts beat on the screen. Memories of my husband and me crying childless tears… Memories of the sweet sound of the heartbeat on the ultrasound when we finally became pregnant with our daughter…Memories of struggles with infertility again. The memories of the doubly sweet sound of two little heartbeats going strong inside me, when we became pregnant with twin boys.
I realized only my husband would love and appreciate that sound and all those memories as much as me.
Reality hit yet AGAIN!
My husband, my story keeper, my partner in all this life stuff, is not here.
I choked back tears as I tried to focus on this sweet specialist and all she was sharing with me about my boys’ precious hearts. But, my mind wandered. It wandered off into the place my widow brain takes me at any given moment; memories, regrets, sorrows, nostalgia, melancholy, jealousy, fear, loneliness…You name it, it’s all there.
As I drove home from the appointment, getting the all clear (Praise God) nod from the cardiologist, I cried tears of relief and tears of sadness.
I felt a sense of relief because the trip to the heart specialist for my boys was complete. I could now release the worry I carried for the last few weeks, from the moment the pediatrician said she heard something and was sending them to a cardiologist, through to our appointment today. I felt sadness because I had to do this all alone, that Scott missed this day. And I really missed him!
I was grateful that I could cry out to my own cardiologist, my heart specialist:
Lord I need you now. I miss Scott, today especially! I don’t have the one person who was in the trenches all those years with me, who remembers the years of infertility and the elation that came later as we heard those monitors whir with strong healthy heartbeats. He’s not here to rejoice with me when the doctor gave the all clear. Give me peace, give me comfort, let me savor in the good news and not wallow in the missing piece.
This day that is hard!
I am so thankful for my heart specialist and that I can turn to Him on days like today. He softens the blow by whispering sweet words in my ears. He reassures me. He searches out my heart. He hears me. He cares. His love draws me in and comforts me.
Today was hard even though it ended with good news. So grateful for the good news!
The good news!
“Remember no more the reproach (disappointment) of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband–the LORD Almighty is His name—the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, He is called the God of all the earth.” Isaiah 54:5 NIV
Lord, thank you for being there to be my heart specialist and my husband every day. Today You rejoiced with me, encouraged me, and comforted me when I really ached for my earthly husband.
Father God, I lift up to You anyone who’s missing their husband more today than normal. We certainly have these days Lord. I ask Father that Your love and comfort can be enough for them right now. Enter their hearts and their minds, whisper to them, assure them now. In Your Matchless Name, Amen.